Wednesday, June 21, 2006

June 20, 2006

Aggghhh, I guess I now officially hate my life. I woke up this morning with the worst mood that you could possibly assess to me. I’m pissed off, have a major sense of dread which coincides perfectly with my great tenancy for depression. Yeah, I woke up and it was not a good thing, I should have avoided it as much as possible. I had this deep and everlasting longing to hold someone in my arms, I don’t know if any of you know how that feels, although I’m sure some of you do. Yesterday when I was on the bus this woman came in wearing this tight tube top and set down right in front of me, and believe me, it was all I could do to stop myself from trying to rub her shoulders. I mean I almost literally had to sit on my hands to stop myself. In reality I know that it’s something that I’d never do but still, just when I thought I had that yearning under control it rears its ugly head again. Agghhhhh. Definitely this is a very frustrating time in my life and I don’t expect that it’s going to end any time soon, and I think that the only way that it will end is to acquire a girlfriend, but I believe we all know how likely that is.

June 19, 2006

Well this is it, tomorrow I figure out exactly what sort of job I’m going to have for the next little bit anyway. After that I have to start looking for a better one, or at least another one because I know that this one is not going to give me enough hours to survive in the city. Oh well, it’ll be fun, I guess it’s to be an adventure for me, even though I don’t really like adventures all that much, unless it’s something I like or with someone I like.
Oh well, now I just get to sit here and watch game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals, and cheer on Edmonton. It’s about time that was back in Canada.

Anyway today has been a rollercoaster day for me, up and down, time and time again. I figured out earlier what I need to do and that’s write!! I have way too many ideas and theories to keep in my head and keep to myself. I need to get them out, especially seeing as so many of them appear to be so simple on the surface but maybe quite revolutionary if you get down into the depths of them. I’ve already outlined quite a few of my ideas on here, but I have yet to go into any real detail or depth. Oh well, at least I’m now in a city with a University, and more important a University Library. So now that I have a job, I’m going to have to find an apartment, hopefully one that I can afford. Oh, on that note I’m in the process of working on Julia to see if she wants to get an apartment with me as that would be the best, seeing as I don’t think I’m going to be able to afford a 1 bedroom or even a bachelor.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Job hunter!!

Hey people, it’s been quite a while since I sat down and wrote you a message, and even longer since I actually posted it. So let me let you know what’s been going on in my life. First off, all that I’ve been up to lately is just looking around for a job, so far I’ve managed to get two interviews. One today and one tomorrow. Outside of job hunting I’ve just been getting back in touch with Heather, Isabelle and the rest of my friends that are up here. So in reality I haven’t been up to all that much, just trying to survive in this place and hopefully manage to make some new friends, but so far that last one is still just a pipe dream. Although I have managed to find out where the vast majority of hot females hang out, it really doesn’t apply to me though seeing as I’m still uncomfortable about talking to them. Oh well, tomorrow after my interview I get to go out and see Isabelle which always cheers me up. Oh well, my brains starting to melt so I’m not going to continue on right now, but I’ll try to post more often.

My adventures in the city (June 6)

Well this is it, alone again, and as always I’m depressed. I don’t know what to say other than the fact that while this is one of my favourite times, or it should be anyway, yet here I am sitting alone and depressed on a Sunday night wishing I was anything but. Oh, what should I have expected though?? Even though I’d like to think that I’ve changed, in reality I haven’t, at least not nearly enough. Oh well, tomorrow I gotta start looking for a job and than we’ll see if I’m able find a place and stick around this city.
Today I spent the afternoon with Heather, which was a fucken blast but just like it always was when I was hanging around with her at school I always get these bouts of depression after I go home. I think that the reason behind this is that I’m just lonely, I mean I’ve bitched about this before and I know I will again, but shit, I want a girlfriend!! I’m sick of this shit and I don’t know how to get one at all. Every time I see a couple either on TV or in reality it just makes me even more depressed and unhappy. I mean how do these guys get girls?? I will forever be trying to figure out this question no matter how long I live. I mean I was watching an episode of The Simpsons earlier, and all I could think of was “how the hell do guys talk to girls in that way?” Anyway I cannot concentrate enough to keep this rant up. I’ll get back to you on many of these issues in the future so keep in touch.

My adventures in the city (June 6)

Well this is it, alone again, and as always I’m depressed. I don’t know what to say other than the fact that while this is one of my favourite times, or it should be anyway, yet here I am sitting alone and depressed on a Sunday night wishing I was anything but. Oh, what should I have expected though?? Even though I’d like to think that I’ve changed, in reality I haven’t, at least not nearly enough. Oh well, tomorrow I gotta start looking for a job and than we’ll see if I’m able find a place and stick around this city.
Today I spent the afternoon with Heather, which was a fucken blast but just like it always was when I was hanging around with her at school I always get these bouts of depression after I go home. I think that the reason behind this is that I’m just lonely, I mean I’ve bitched about this before and I know I will again, but shit, I want a girlfriend!! I’m sick of this shit and I don’t know how to get one at all. Every time I see a couple either on TV or in reality it just makes me even more depressed and unhappy. I mean how do these guys get girls?? I will forever be trying to figure out this question no matter how long I live. I mean I was watching an episode of The Simpsons earlier, and all I could think of was “how the hell do guys talk to girls in that way?” Anyway I cannot concentrate enough to keep this rant up. I’ll get back to you on many of these issues in the future so keep in touch.

I made it to the City (June 4)

Well here I am, I finally made it into the city and I’m here for approx. one month. I’m not 100% sure exactly what I’m gonna do next but I know that I’m going to have to find a job so that I don’t have to go back home. But oh well, at the moment I think I have a few more other problems to deal with rather than finding a job. First I think I need to become comfortable with my apartment and the location of where it is. Another thing is that I have to be careful not to slip into my old routines and rythems that I had when I was in school. I noticed that this might be a problem when I finally called Heather earlier and I just could not get it together to effectively communicate with her, even if it was to just make plans to meet her at some future date. And that is exactly the bull shit that I had to deal with back at school and it drove me nuts as I used to lie in bed kicking myself for being a complete and utter idiot!!! Maybe I’m doing too much too fast and have a bit too many expectations about myself, I mean I’ve been through a LOT of changes in the past few weeks and maybe I have just too much on my plate and just need to relax a bit a live to get used to what I have. The only problem with that is what I have now is unsustainable and requires that I make future changes.
Oh well, I’ll figure it out in some way and I’ll try to keep you up to date through all the problems and changes that my life is going to go through for the next few weeks.

Friday, May 26, 2006

What to do now??

Well, I'm home again, no more big city fun for me (for a little while anyway, I plan on moving up there sometime this summer, but we'll wait on that one). I don't really have all that much to say, I just got back yesterday and all that I've done is go out on a bike ride and fix up shit around the house. And I've really already talked about the only real interesting thing about my trip which was my visit to Isabelle. Oh well, I can tell you that I am really looking forward to getting back there, especially after getting a hold of Heather and finding out that she’s going to be up there for the summer as well. After spending a few days in the city, the life out here just isn’t the same, sure you appreciate it a bit more, but you realize all of the stuff that you’re missing at the same time. I'm not saying that the city's perfect, it’s far from that. But at this point in my life, it's almost exactly what I need.
For some reason, ever since I heard from Heather I haven’t been able to get her out of my head (she is the type of girl that'll do that to you). I figured out why and if you've read my life story than you may have spotted it as well. It's because I have some major unresolved issues around her, I mean that one night still remains my # 1 biggest single regret, and even though I now know that nothing can really happen between us I still kick myself every time I think of that night because I didn't try. Anyway the reason that she keeps popping into my head now is because I still want to go out with her, or at least have her in a friends-with-benefits relationship. The reason for this is because what I need is experience and seeing as I'm too much of a chicken-shit to try anything with just anyone, I need the confidence that can only be had by being with someone that I trust and know. I don't know if I'm expressing my reasoning all that well or not, but all that I'm going to say is that that's going to be my goal for the summer - to get the benefits from Heather's friendship. Either that or actually pluck up some courage and meet someone new and perhaps go out with them (gasp!! there's a novel idea). I don't know though but I'll keep you posted even though it maybe a while before I do anything.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

More on Love!!

I don't know what to do about it anymore. I guess I can come right out and say it. "I love Isabelle". I figured it out the other day after I went to see her. Hearing her talk, listening to her problems and taking her advice, I truly realized that I was in love with her. This is something that I've been avoiding saying because I thought that I didn’t know what love was, and maybe I still don't, there is a chance that I could be mistaken, but I don't think so. When after four plus years and getting hit on by a totally hot girl doesn’t make you forget about her for even a minute then you’re in love. But now that I know this what am I to do with it? Am I better off then when I believed that I just had a crush on her? Am I more likely to tell her this? I don't think so (and on that note, something in her behavior makes me doubt that she got that e-mail I sent her last month, so that means that she still doesn’t know how I feel). Oh well, I guess it’s my shit so I guess its time I either learned to get rid of it or roll around in it.

Art and Such

I really wish that I could draw or have some method of artistically putting my feelings down. I see the way that others do it and it seems so easy, and for them it sortta is but for me is virtually impossible. Even when I come up with an idea and can have it completely visualized in my head I do not have the raw talent to put it down into a piece of paper for all to see. For instance now I have this idea for a series of drawings or sketches that would be able to perfectly portray my feelings but, try as I may (and believe I did just try), I cannot get what I want to appear on the paper. I think I'll give it another try when I'm able to give it more character by adding some colour, but I don’t think that even that will be enough. Seeing as my sketches may never see the light of day I'll describe them to you. The first is displayed at the center, it portrays and red, tactfully drawn brain, with rays of light emitting from it. In the background, so far so that they are almost obscured by the brain lay a naked man and woman locked in an embrace, with the light of the brain shining on them, all of this done on a sky blue background. The second (I'll explain the meaning of the whole series when I'm done. The second one is darker, dark blue back ground, with another brain in the foreground; this one however is far from being happily drawn in crude and very detailed. The colour of it is a dark yellow that gets darker as it moves from left to right. Behind the brain lays a pool of blood with a spotlight on it in the lower left corner. It is this spotlight that causes the brain to be darker and it moves right. The blood also becomes darker, eventually turning darker then even the dark blue background. The third, and the last one that I've come up with at this point is another brain this one green, and if you can imagine a brain with a furrowed brow, this has one. It's illuminated both from behind and from the left, so the foreground right tends to be pretty dark green. Behind the brain a fire rages unchecked an uncontrolled, illuminating but not engulfing the brain. This entire one is done on a brick red backdrop like one would find in a cave of some sorts.
The meanings of these three paintings go hand in hand and are all interpretations of myself. In the first painting the feeling of love and desire are portrayed. Love is the brain and the light emanating from shows the feeling of joy when love is achieved. The couple in their embrace represents desire; they are illumined by the love and are over shadowed by it. In the second painting fear and pain are represented. Fear is the brain hiding from the light, which is cast from the brain of love. For this is the representation of my feelings that love is the only thing that fear is afraid of, wherever love shines fear cannot exist, but where love does not exist fear will take over. The blood represents pain. I drew 23 drops, one for each year of my life, they grow more consistent as they move towards the light of love, but larger and thicker the more they hide under the brain of fear. The third painting represents jealousy and anger. The green brain being the green eyed monster of jealousy and the fire being the anger. The furrowed brows of the brain are aimed and the brain of love which is illuminating it and causing the fires of anger to flair up and grow stronger and brighter which, if left this way will eventually be bright enough to eclipse the light from love, so only anger will illuminate jealousy and love will be forgotten. Finally I'll explain why brains? This is probably the most personal and the most difficult to explain. The brain symbolizes intelligence; the colours of the brains represent the various ways that intelligence can be corrupted. By existing in the foreground they play the key role in the paintings because without intelligence love would not be possible, and neither would pain, fear, anger or jeulesy, because all of them required the light shown from love to be understood. I also put them in to show the superiority of intelligence to the others as they can only exist through thoughts and intelligence.
There, that’s a rather detailed description of what I'd paint if I could, if any of you can paint and would like to use this as an idea, feel free to do so, you can even take all the credit for the idea if you like, just do me a favour and scan in a copy of the paintings and post me a message so that I can go and see them.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Update from the City

Well here I an in the city now, and it looks like I might be here for quite a bit as I managed to find a place to sublet for at least a month or so. It's not the best of places, rather small and funky, but it would suit me just fine until I can find a job and a better place. So far other then this fact my trip here has been relitively uneventful, I've just been crashing with a friend of the family and havent really gotten out to do all that much except wander around the city and get my barrings a bit.
Yesterday I managed to figure out the bus system so I could get out to Isabelle on the outskirts, and I managed to have a long talk with her which I always enjoy as she seems to always know what to say and the way to say them so that it sticks in my mind. For those of you wondering, no we didn't talk about "us" or about anything around that topic. I purposly avoided it because the timeing was horrible as she had just had a wierd experience the night before (thats her story not mine, so I'll leave it at that). But aside from that topic it was a great chat, its nice to hear things from a friendly person, and it helps when you trust them absolutly as I do with her, and I hope I get to see and talk to her quite a bit more through next month. As far as any of my other friends in the city, I havent really been able to get ahold of them, and one of the ones I was looking forward to seeing, Heather, is out of here for the week, so I dont' get to see her.
Now I think my minds going to be preoccupied with worry and stress about comming back here in a few weeks to stay in a sketchy part of town (although it really isn't all that bad, it only is when you have never lived in a city before). But all I gotta do to survive that is just take some advice, be open and not be afraid to seek help from my friends that live here. Although that is a loaded sentence, I think I'll manage pretty well, or in short of that, at least I should survive.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

My Intel at Work

I love the people that argure that the Liberals are down and out, and don’t really have to be worried about for a while yet. To go from a slim majority government down to 100 seats, only a loss of about 60 seats, is not the sign of a dead party, thats the sign of a responsable electorate. Only twice in Canada’s history has their been a “dead party” - and both times they were conservitives. The first was back in 1935 when they lost to King and didn’t get back in until 1957 (after, I might add, they merged with another party to become the “Prgressive Conservitive Party”). The second was in 1993 when they went from a majority government to 2 seats, and didn’t get back in until they also merged with another party. So don’t say that the liberals are “out of it”. Once they actually get a coherent leader thats capable of running the party, they’ll actually become a good oposition. Then We’ll see what the polls have to say.

Oh and to all of you calling Ontario a socialist province. Get you definitions stright, they are liberal and progressive. But those two things do not mean socialist. If they were socialist there would be no low income housing problems, no tuition fees and no healthcare crisis. So get you definations stright when you use a loaded term like that. And don’t insult us socialists by calling Ontario one.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Alone in nowheresville

Well, it’s been a while and I really don't have all that much to say about that time. I guess the last time I wrote anything was right after I e-mailed Isabelle telling her how I feel. Well it’s been about 3 weeks now and she still hasn’t said anything even though I've talked with her quite a number of times. So I don't know if it's just that neither of us know how to broach the subject, (I know I don't) or if I offended her in someway that I'm unaware of. In either case it's not good to not be talking about it all, I mean the main reason that I told her about it in the first place was because I wanted it out in the open, not kept secret anymore.

Oh well, if you've been keeping track of me then your most likely sick of this issue and would most likely want to give me a smack right now for being a dumb ass, and I definitely would understand why you wanted to. So what else have I been up to then? Well not all that much. I have my birthday coming up which I'm sure is going to be a pain in the arse, it is every year. But I covered all of that in my last posting so I won’t go into it again. But needless to say I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I've been biking quite a bit lately taking advantage of the warm weather that we've been having. Quite a bit different then the month of rain that we usually get this time of year. I'm still looking for a job, so if you know somewhere in Canada that hiring for a career type job let me know.

I maybe hiding to the city sometime soon for a bit of time so I can look for a job. But I still got to figure out how to look in a place where I don't live and don't have a contact for that area. Oh well, it'll be fun, I still got to get a hold of my friends that live there so I can see them when I'm around.

Other then those things all that I've really been doing is reading, cooking, working out and listening to music. Quite a good life if I was on my own and doing it with some form of income, but as it is it’s not all that bad it’s just were I am that sucks. Alone in the middle of nowhere, 100's of km from my friends with nothing to do but work out and watch Hockey on TV, yeah that sucks.