Saturday, April 22, 2006

Regrets and Happiness

Ever have one of those days where at the end of it you just feel like curling up into a ball as you climb into bed, and then having just a good cry?? Well that’s pretty much the way that my whole week has been. I'm fine when I'm up and about but as soon as go into my room to go to bed its just wave after wave of depression that just floors me and constantly reminds me of just how fucked up my life is. Every time I go to bed it's just a painful emotional experience that constantly makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here. I don't know if any of you can imagine it, but I’d liken it to being hit by a bus every night. Every night I relive every regret that I've ever had about all of the things that I've never done. That girl who set beside me in class that I liked but was never able to ask out. My whole experiences with Heather, Isabelle or Gillian are nothing but regrets for me. I look back on them and I will always wonder what I should have done, or could have done, and I know I'll never be able to shake the feeling that I blew any chance with the most perfect woman I'll ever meet in Isabelle. But fuck it's hard. I know what I have to do now is look ahead, but I cannot yet, I have to know that there is nothing back there behind me before I can move forward, which is hard because every time I talk to Isabelle I always get the feeling that she feels the same way about me, it may just be my hopes, and me looking into something that does not exist, but its a feeling that I cannot shake, and I've learned to trust my feelings even if I don't act upon them, because with the benefit of hindsight they tend to be right. I'm still waiting for her to respond to the e-mail in which I told her how I feel, but for some reason I now doubt that she will ever respond.

Kirk Coban said it best "I think I'm dumb, or maybe just happy, I think I'm just happy". In this and a few of his other songs he managed to put forth the correlation that exists between happiness and intelligence. Even in this quite it can be seen that it’s hard to tell the difference between dumbness and happiness. Well this is where I'm at; I know I'm fucking smart because I sure as hell am not happy. If I was happy I would not be writing in this, I'd be out with my friends somewhere. But seeing as I don't have any I'll have to be content to just write on this thing. Speaking of friends I have a question for you. What would you do if your whole life you were raised with only two things in life being important, family and friends, one of you don't have and don't know how to get and the other you cannot trust? There is the dilemma that I'm living with right now. I was raised on the idea that nothing else in your life matters as long as you have friends and family, not money, not possessions, nothing matters as long as you have friends and family. So when you've been raised like that and you don’t have friends or family? Do you have nothing, because that sure as hell is what I feel like? And unlike rich people who can mask this feeling by having lot of stuff and not having to worry about money, I don't have that luxury at all, I have to worry about it all. I mean I'm really starting to detest those shows that show people loosing everything, but in the end they realize that they've lost nothing because they still have there family and friends. What do you do if you have nothing and on top of that you don’t' have any family or friends either???? FUCK, this is my life here. Anyway this has just gotten me more pissed off when it’s supposed to calm me down so I can get some sleep, so I guess it hasn’t worked tonight.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Hockey Hockey Hockey!!!

Well the play-offs are finally here, 6 long months of boring regular season hockey and now it's time 2 solid months of fast-paced playoff hockey. I was jumping for joy when I went on to to check out who won last night and found out that Ottawa managed to squeak out the Eastern Conforence title, and even better then that it means that they wont be faceing Montreal in the first round which means that there might be a chance that all 4 Canadian teams that made it into the playoffs may just advance into the second round although it's gonna be a difficult fight for both Montreal and Edmonton who have to overcome Carolina and Detroit respectivly. But with a bit of luck and some support both of them have at least some chance of getting a shot at the cup. As long as its a Canadian team that can pick it up when its all done thats all that matters. But for the record - Go Habs, Go!!!

I Finally Told Her!!

Well, I've finally done it and right now I'm in that slightly awkward stage when you’re sitting there just waiting for a response. What exactly have I done?? Well, I've gone and told Isabelle how I feel about her. Did I do it the right way?? Most likely not, I'm well aware that email is probably the worst way to do something like this, but it is really the only way that I feel that I could have. Will anything come out of it?? I'd be very surprised if that turned out to be the case, but I would be very happy. Well then, why did I tell her?? Simply put, for my own sanity. Sitting here alone day in and day out gives me a lot of time to think and because of that I realized that I needed to tell people, and her in particular, exactly how I feel. I mean I know that I would want someone who was attracted to me to tell me, even if I didn’t know how to respond and just blew them off (which, if you've been reading long know that that’s already happened to me once) I still admire and appreciate their honesty and straight-forwardness, it's only due to my sheer stupidity that I don't know how to show that to them. But that’s only part of the answer. The rest has to do with the fact that this was something that I needed to do, I mean I don't want to hurt Iz, or make her uncomfortable or anything like that, but I needed to do it for me. It's a skill and an experience that you need in order to go on with your life, that’s why I don't expect anything from her at all. All I know is that this proved to me that I could do this, before now I'd never really told anyone how I felt without being either really drunk or hearing it from them first. I had to know that I could do this, if something comes out of this it'd be a dream within a dream, but I'm well aware that that's not going to happen. That's why I had to tell her, hopefully next time I tell someone how I feel I'm able to learn from this and do it in a much better way, but unfortunately you have to start somewhere.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's Been a While

Ahh well here I am, it's been quite a while sense I wrote anything new in this thing, most of the last few posts I've done have just been me bringing the posts over from my old site that are still pretty relevant now, and pretty much because I've been doing that so much I've neglected writing any new posts.

So maybe I should bring you up too speed on what I'm up too now. Well in short not very much at all. The weather has gotten warmer and I've been out on my bike quite a bit, but I've also had some responsibilities that have kept me at home, so I haven't been able to go out quite as much as I'd like. As for any future plains about my life, well there's really nothing more than before. I'm still stuck here at my parents wishing desperately that I was elsewhere, but I'm making the most if now that is warmer and I'm able to have some sort of freedom of mobility due to my bicycle. On the relationship front, well, that's still pretty much in the non-existence of things, although I am a bit closer now to telling Isabelle how I feel about her, all that I have to do is get over the feeling of dread that comes over me every time I imagine doing it. As well I'm still not all that certain how I should tell her, I mean that she lives quite a distance away now, so face-to-face is out of the question, I'm even worse on the phone then I am in person so I'm sure I'd screw that up in some way. I have written out (or at least what I think is) a very nice Email that lays out the way I feel in pretty much the most simplest way I could come up with, however I'm still very hesitant about pressing that send button because I'm afraid of the way that she'll react. But that’s a fear I know I'll have to face at some point because if I'm ever going to have a relationship I'm going to have to tell her how I feel. But oh well, I'll figure something out I almost always do, but I still feel that this is something that I need to do in order to move on with my life.

Now that spring is here its time for me to get back into shape again, as I've already said it's great to be back on the bike, but I need something else. I just started last evening to do push-ups and crunches and managed to do a brief set when I woke up as well. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this up and get my upper body in shape as well as my legs and ass that the biking does. I don’t know if that’s going to be enough though because today when I was walking around all that I wanted to do was go for a nice run, but seeing as where I live it's almost impossible for me to do this. Mostly because I'm nervous of what the neighbors may think. I know that that’s dumb but still, deep within my brain is the desire to belong to something like a neighborhood.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Weather and the World

The weather this whole winter has been rather messed up, and on top of that we haven’t had a big snowstorm all winter, and I don't think that we've even had snow that’s lasted longer then a week. This is the Maritimes, this type of thing should not be happening at all, especially not here. But I guess this is just global warming running its course, eventually we can only hope that it might kill off all humans and then maybe nature can start repairing itself from all the damage we've done, and are continuing to do to it. This issue of the environment really has me ticked off because it’s only the completely egocentric or the utter idiot that cannot recognize that’s something’s wrong with the planet and that it has something to do with the increased usage of oil and coal since the start of the industrial revolution. But no, those people in power just sweep it under the rug as a minor issue, not something to be overly concerned about and just hope that the next generation of politicians will deal with it. What’s the one reason that they wont touch the issue?? Simple answer is money, but the reality is much more complicated than that, because is not only that the politicians are getting paid to look the other way, it's that they don’t want to look that way, so the money is only an incentive to do what they really would anyway. The reason they don’t want to look is because their afraid both of what they'll see as well as the fact that they don't know where to start and don’t know exactly how to deal with the issues that would come up. It'd take a big leader with lots of confidence and clout to make the changes necessary for the survival of humanity. The reason that they don’t want to touch it is because their afraid as to where it'll lead, they know that to fix the environment they'd have to go deep into the society and change stuff that’s been taken for granted for almost 100 years now, for there is not one aspect of our society that is not completely dependent on oil and coal. Everything you do, everything you buy, everything you are is completely dependent on the internal combustion engine and the things that it’s been used for. This is an area that politicians fear to tread, because people get upset when you start to take anything from them, none-the-less the basic component of their society. But I think that this is enough on this issue for now, I'm sure I'll revisit it at some point.

Another Dream

As for the dream, well, it's a bit late for me to recount that one for you, all that I remember is being in a mega sized Wal-Mart that had a bar, a laundry mat, a lumber yard and a number of other things as well. I was in that Wal-Mart and I ran into all my friends from University, so we decided to go to the club/bar part of the store and have a few drinks, which we did, and soon after the music started up and we started to dance. I cannot really clearly remember what happened next but somehow I managed to accidentally spill my drink all down Heather's front, for which she then blamed me and started to throw many drinks in my face and then storm out, and all that I remember after that is how I felt which was like crap and that I'd just lost a good friend due to a major misunderstanding. I have no clue what this means but it made me feel like shit so it’s not a dream I want to repeat anytime soon. Oh well.

Odds of Getting a Girlfriend

What I want is the experience of a relationship; I know that that can be indistinguishable from having a relationship as to have the first requires the second. But what I really want is to know what its like to wakeup I the morning with someone there beside me, but I don’t really care if we've just had sex, I just want to know that feeling. I cannot accurately describe it but generally what it is a desire to reclaim what I should know by this point in my life; by my age one should know what its like to have friends, have relationships and all the other facets of socialization. That is really the root of it all for me, the fact that I don’t necessarily care to have a girlfriend now but I'd do anything to have had one in the past. It should be needless to say that that’s where a lot of my regrets come together to haunt me, for I know that right now at this moment I am content to have a friendship, but in a month from now I will never be happy that this now is just a friendship, and I will get pissed off at myself because I failed to attempt to turn it into something more.

Well its night time now and I'm lying here in bed, alone again, God I’m sick of it but I guess it's the same old story, even though you want nothing else other then to be a particular way you'd do anything, short of actually changing, to do it. That’s about where I am now, I want nothing else then to go somewhere, and do something, but yet when it comes right down to it I won’t do anything. Its part of the messed up paradox that is my life: I want to change, in order to I need the right incentive, but in order to get that proper incentive I first need to change. It’s really a messed up system, but it’s were I am right now so I guess I have to deal with it in some way or another. I'll explain it better though, first, I want a change, notably a girlfriend, in order to get this I need courage, what do you get courage from?? Knowledge and one of the best ways to get knowledge?? Experience, and can you guess where you get experience?? Exactly, from having a girlfriend. So what am I if not screwed for its almost imposable for me to get a girl without having one first. Almost however, almost, what I mean by that is because of knowledge which can be gathered in many different ways other than experience, however it I slower and less reliable but in about 10 years or so I might have to guts to ask someone out.

The situation is the same around me leaving vs. staying here with the parents. I need to leave here, but to do that I need the incentive to go to a particular place, and the best way for that is from a job, but I have no clue how to look for a job if I'm not in the area to look. So in short I need to have something to go somewhere, and in order to have something I need to be somewhere (somewhere not being here). I'm still thinking of going back to school at some point although I'm not all that sure what I'd go back for.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

The Code

Well, first off I guess I should say sorry for not having written for a few days but I've been preoccupied by a nasty little bug, as well as doing a lot of reading and cooking. The last two days have been fun as I've finished two books and gotten a fair start on the DaVinci Code yesterday, should be able to finish it today. It's most definitely one of those books that makes you think though especially as to how much of it is true, and being even half done you can still see the reasons a to why the Catholic Church would condemn it as soon as it came out, and because of that I must urge you all to read that book and then do your own research.

My Life, My Choices

Why is it that every morning when I wake up there is always this deep seated desire for me to have somebody next to me. Every day this happens, I wake up and I find myself longing for their to be a girl beside me, and for some reason lately its always been the same girl, for the past few months its been Isabelle and really no one else that I desire. I know why its her as she has been the only girl I know who I've actually grown more attracted to the more I've gotten to know her, but as far as actually being able to bridge that great divide between friendship and relationship goes, I have yet to do it, and in reality have yet to really try with anyone, not just her. But hey this is the torment that I live with, as long as I continue to believe that I can have a relationship and also live the life I want then this sort of longing is bound to happen. I just wish that I knew for sure that I couldn’t have a girlfriend, that’s the hardest part of all, and because I've never really tried than I can still believe that it might be possible to be in a relationship, and if that’s possible, then it maybe possible as well that I could be in a relationship with Isabelle over another girl. But until I actually get up the courage to tell someone how I actually feel nothing is going to happen.