Friday, May 26, 2006

What to do now??

Well, I'm home again, no more big city fun for me (for a little while anyway, I plan on moving up there sometime this summer, but we'll wait on that one). I don't really have all that much to say, I just got back yesterday and all that I've done is go out on a bike ride and fix up shit around the house. And I've really already talked about the only real interesting thing about my trip which was my visit to Isabelle. Oh well, I can tell you that I am really looking forward to getting back there, especially after getting a hold of Heather and finding out that she’s going to be up there for the summer as well. After spending a few days in the city, the life out here just isn’t the same, sure you appreciate it a bit more, but you realize all of the stuff that you’re missing at the same time. I'm not saying that the city's perfect, it’s far from that. But at this point in my life, it's almost exactly what I need.
For some reason, ever since I heard from Heather I haven’t been able to get her out of my head (she is the type of girl that'll do that to you). I figured out why and if you've read my life story than you may have spotted it as well. It's because I have some major unresolved issues around her, I mean that one night still remains my # 1 biggest single regret, and even though I now know that nothing can really happen between us I still kick myself every time I think of that night because I didn't try. Anyway the reason that she keeps popping into my head now is because I still want to go out with her, or at least have her in a friends-with-benefits relationship. The reason for this is because what I need is experience and seeing as I'm too much of a chicken-shit to try anything with just anyone, I need the confidence that can only be had by being with someone that I trust and know. I don't know if I'm expressing my reasoning all that well or not, but all that I'm going to say is that that's going to be my goal for the summer - to get the benefits from Heather's friendship. Either that or actually pluck up some courage and meet someone new and perhaps go out with them (gasp!! there's a novel idea). I don't know though but I'll keep you posted even though it maybe a while before I do anything.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

More on Love!!

I don't know what to do about it anymore. I guess I can come right out and say it. "I love Isabelle". I figured it out the other day after I went to see her. Hearing her talk, listening to her problems and taking her advice, I truly realized that I was in love with her. This is something that I've been avoiding saying because I thought that I didn’t know what love was, and maybe I still don't, there is a chance that I could be mistaken, but I don't think so. When after four plus years and getting hit on by a totally hot girl doesn’t make you forget about her for even a minute then you’re in love. But now that I know this what am I to do with it? Am I better off then when I believed that I just had a crush on her? Am I more likely to tell her this? I don't think so (and on that note, something in her behavior makes me doubt that she got that e-mail I sent her last month, so that means that she still doesn’t know how I feel). Oh well, I guess it’s my shit so I guess its time I either learned to get rid of it or roll around in it.

Art and Such

I really wish that I could draw or have some method of artistically putting my feelings down. I see the way that others do it and it seems so easy, and for them it sortta is but for me is virtually impossible. Even when I come up with an idea and can have it completely visualized in my head I do not have the raw talent to put it down into a piece of paper for all to see. For instance now I have this idea for a series of drawings or sketches that would be able to perfectly portray my feelings but, try as I may (and believe I did just try), I cannot get what I want to appear on the paper. I think I'll give it another try when I'm able to give it more character by adding some colour, but I don’t think that even that will be enough. Seeing as my sketches may never see the light of day I'll describe them to you. The first is displayed at the center, it portrays and red, tactfully drawn brain, with rays of light emitting from it. In the background, so far so that they are almost obscured by the brain lay a naked man and woman locked in an embrace, with the light of the brain shining on them, all of this done on a sky blue background. The second (I'll explain the meaning of the whole series when I'm done. The second one is darker, dark blue back ground, with another brain in the foreground; this one however is far from being happily drawn in crude and very detailed. The colour of it is a dark yellow that gets darker as it moves from left to right. Behind the brain lays a pool of blood with a spotlight on it in the lower left corner. It is this spotlight that causes the brain to be darker and it moves right. The blood also becomes darker, eventually turning darker then even the dark blue background. The third, and the last one that I've come up with at this point is another brain this one green, and if you can imagine a brain with a furrowed brow, this has one. It's illuminated both from behind and from the left, so the foreground right tends to be pretty dark green. Behind the brain a fire rages unchecked an uncontrolled, illuminating but not engulfing the brain. This entire one is done on a brick red backdrop like one would find in a cave of some sorts.
The meanings of these three paintings go hand in hand and are all interpretations of myself. In the first painting the feeling of love and desire are portrayed. Love is the brain and the light emanating from shows the feeling of joy when love is achieved. The couple in their embrace represents desire; they are illumined by the love and are over shadowed by it. In the second painting fear and pain are represented. Fear is the brain hiding from the light, which is cast from the brain of love. For this is the representation of my feelings that love is the only thing that fear is afraid of, wherever love shines fear cannot exist, but where love does not exist fear will take over. The blood represents pain. I drew 23 drops, one for each year of my life, they grow more consistent as they move towards the light of love, but larger and thicker the more they hide under the brain of fear. The third painting represents jealousy and anger. The green brain being the green eyed monster of jealousy and the fire being the anger. The furrowed brows of the brain are aimed and the brain of love which is illuminating it and causing the fires of anger to flair up and grow stronger and brighter which, if left this way will eventually be bright enough to eclipse the light from love, so only anger will illuminate jealousy and love will be forgotten. Finally I'll explain why brains? This is probably the most personal and the most difficult to explain. The brain symbolizes intelligence; the colours of the brains represent the various ways that intelligence can be corrupted. By existing in the foreground they play the key role in the paintings because without intelligence love would not be possible, and neither would pain, fear, anger or jeulesy, because all of them required the light shown from love to be understood. I also put them in to show the superiority of intelligence to the others as they can only exist through thoughts and intelligence.
There, that’s a rather detailed description of what I'd paint if I could, if any of you can paint and would like to use this as an idea, feel free to do so, you can even take all the credit for the idea if you like, just do me a favour and scan in a copy of the paintings and post me a message so that I can go and see them.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Update from the City

Well here I an in the city now, and it looks like I might be here for quite a bit as I managed to find a place to sublet for at least a month or so. It's not the best of places, rather small and funky, but it would suit me just fine until I can find a job and a better place. So far other then this fact my trip here has been relitively uneventful, I've just been crashing with a friend of the family and havent really gotten out to do all that much except wander around the city and get my barrings a bit.
Yesterday I managed to figure out the bus system so I could get out to Isabelle on the outskirts, and I managed to have a long talk with her which I always enjoy as she seems to always know what to say and the way to say them so that it sticks in my mind. For those of you wondering, no we didn't talk about "us" or about anything around that topic. I purposly avoided it because the timeing was horrible as she had just had a wierd experience the night before (thats her story not mine, so I'll leave it at that). But aside from that topic it was a great chat, its nice to hear things from a friendly person, and it helps when you trust them absolutly as I do with her, and I hope I get to see and talk to her quite a bit more through next month. As far as any of my other friends in the city, I havent really been able to get ahold of them, and one of the ones I was looking forward to seeing, Heather, is out of here for the week, so I dont' get to see her.
Now I think my minds going to be preoccupied with worry and stress about comming back here in a few weeks to stay in a sketchy part of town (although it really isn't all that bad, it only is when you have never lived in a city before). But all I gotta do to survive that is just take some advice, be open and not be afraid to seek help from my friends that live here. Although that is a loaded sentence, I think I'll manage pretty well, or in short of that, at least I should survive.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

My Intel at Work

I love the people that argure that the Liberals are down and out, and don’t really have to be worried about for a while yet. To go from a slim majority government down to 100 seats, only a loss of about 60 seats, is not the sign of a dead party, thats the sign of a responsable electorate. Only twice in Canada’s history has their been a “dead party” - and both times they were conservitives. The first was back in 1935 when they lost to King and didn’t get back in until 1957 (after, I might add, they merged with another party to become the “Prgressive Conservitive Party”). The second was in 1993 when they went from a majority government to 2 seats, and didn’t get back in until they also merged with another party. So don’t say that the liberals are “out of it”. Once they actually get a coherent leader thats capable of running the party, they’ll actually become a good oposition. Then We’ll see what the polls have to say.

Oh and to all of you calling Ontario a socialist province. Get you definitions stright, they are liberal and progressive. But those two things do not mean socialist. If they were socialist there would be no low income housing problems, no tuition fees and no healthcare crisis. So get you definations stright when you use a loaded term like that. And don’t insult us socialists by calling Ontario one.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Alone in nowheresville

Well, it’s been a while and I really don't have all that much to say about that time. I guess the last time I wrote anything was right after I e-mailed Isabelle telling her how I feel. Well it’s been about 3 weeks now and she still hasn’t said anything even though I've talked with her quite a number of times. So I don't know if it's just that neither of us know how to broach the subject, (I know I don't) or if I offended her in someway that I'm unaware of. In either case it's not good to not be talking about it all, I mean the main reason that I told her about it in the first place was because I wanted it out in the open, not kept secret anymore.

Oh well, if you've been keeping track of me then your most likely sick of this issue and would most likely want to give me a smack right now for being a dumb ass, and I definitely would understand why you wanted to. So what else have I been up to then? Well not all that much. I have my birthday coming up which I'm sure is going to be a pain in the arse, it is every year. But I covered all of that in my last posting so I won’t go into it again. But needless to say I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I've been biking quite a bit lately taking advantage of the warm weather that we've been having. Quite a bit different then the month of rain that we usually get this time of year. I'm still looking for a job, so if you know somewhere in Canada that hiring for a career type job let me know.

I maybe hiding to the city sometime soon for a bit of time so I can look for a job. But I still got to figure out how to look in a place where I don't live and don't have a contact for that area. Oh well, it'll be fun, I still got to get a hold of my friends that live there so I can see them when I'm around.

Other then those things all that I've really been doing is reading, cooking, working out and listening to music. Quite a good life if I was on my own and doing it with some form of income, but as it is it’s not all that bad it’s just were I am that sucks. Alone in the middle of nowhere, 100's of km from my friends with nothing to do but work out and watch Hockey on TV, yeah that sucks.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Simple Update

Yippy, well it's almost May, which means a few days latter it'll be my birthday. That’s right soon I'll 23 years old. But nothing will change, I'll still be alone, jobless and living with my parents. The only difference is that I'll be able to say that I'm 23 not 22. However saying your a 23 year old whose never had a girlfriend, never gotten laid, only kissed one girl and been on a grand total of four dates is not better then being able to say these things about your life at 22. I've always hated my birthday and this year will mark the 12th crappy birthday in 13 years, only my 21st was any good as I wasn’t at home that year and I actually spent it with two friends of mine, which was by far the best birthday I've had, even though we didn’t do anything special just went out to dinner, but the point is that I was actually able to spend part of my birthday with friends. Oh well, at least this past year hasn’t been quite as bad as some of my years, I realized what I need to do, I told the most perfect girl I know that she was and that I liked her (still no response about that by the way, guess I'll actually have to talk to her about it), and on top of that I got my degree, now I just got to figure out how to use it. Anyway, yeah, I'm quite dreading my birthday this year as I know that once more my wish from last year failed to come true.